Do You People Please?
Are you a people pleaser, do you say Yes when you really want to say No, do you allow others to set the boundaries in your relationships?
If you said Yes to those questions, why does it matter? First and foremost, you are probably taking on too much because you never say no to anybody, so you are probably feeling stressed, overwhelmed and beginning to be a bit resentful, “Why have I always got to be the one that helps in this family or in this group of friends?” Along with overwhelm, stress, and resentment, you will feel like you’re being taken advantage of and you will certainly not be prioritising your own needs. Somebody will come to you and you’ve already got a really busy day and you will say “Yes of course I can pick the kids up.” and that makes your busy day an absolutely frantic day, where you get to the end of it and you’re completely exhausted. All of this can damage relationships because at some point you will begin to resent the fact that you’re being taken advantage of, even though you’ve allowed it to happen and this can have a huge effect on a relationship. That resentment is there even though you’re not having the conversation about what’s going on and ultimately you can get to burnout, you can get to the point where you just cannot cope anymore.
“Oh Can You Just…” Do You Answer Yes?
I worked with somebody who was the person that we all went to if we needed something doing, particularly at the last minute. So even, if they weren’t in her team, people would go to her and say “Oh can you just do…..for me?” And she would reply “Yes of course I can. I’ll get it done by the end of the day.” And one day somebody went to ask for a favour and she literally picked all the paperwork up on her desk, threw it up in the air and said “I can’t do this anymore” and rushed out of the office in a flood of tears. Everybody has a breaking point, at different times or in different situations, but we can all get there eventually.
What can you do about it? Firstly, identify your limits, identify where you want these boundaries to be. The simplest way can be to ask yourself “what is it about this relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable?” “what is it about this relationship that drains my energy?” These are the things that need to be outside the boundary, not inside where they currently are. Then you do have to have that, possibly difficult, conversation Aim to be very calm and very respectful when you’re expressing your needs. Express them using ‘I’ statements, so it’s not “when you do this and you keep asking me to do that it wears me out and it makes me feel exhausted and it’s just not fair because you never do anything for me” but if you say “I feel overwhelmed or stressed when…” then nobody can argue with you, they may try but they can’t argue with you because those are your genuine feelings. You’re not saying that anybody’s made it happen, but this is how I feel when this happens. Once you’ve had the conversation and determined your boundaries you do have to stick to them and this may be hard because it’s become habitual to just say yes. That habit needs to change, so if somebody asks you to do something, take a deep breath or two, pause before replying and ask yourself is this within my boundary or not? Is it something I can easily do now or is it going to make me exhausted and stressed?
Take a Deep Breath
Doing this gives you the time to make the decision that’s right for you and, if you can be consistent about what you will do and what you won’t do, that will reinforce your boundaries and establish a new habit. You may well get push back from some people and with those people you have to be even firmer and maybe, in some cases, you might have to walk away from that relationship. If they are just not listening, not taking any note of your concerns or your needs, then are they people you want in your life? It’s a hard decision sometimes, it depends where they sit in your circle, but sometimes it has to be done, you need to prioritise self-care, you need to put yourself first if there is something that you really should be doing for you today then the answer is no.
Do You Honour Appointments With Yourself?
Probably, up until now, you would always honour an appointment with a friend but not necessarily one you’ve made with yourself. I bet there are times when you have made an arrangement with somebody and it turns out to be not really convenient, but you will not say “Look I’m terribly sorry but can we rearrange?” You would just do what you’ve agreed to do. However, if you made an appointment with yourself to go for a nice long walk on Tuesday and then somebody comes along and says “Can you do X on Tuesday” you would normally say Yes, after all it’s only a walk. But now you’re going to take those deep breaths so you have time to make the right decision for you and remember that it’s OK to say “no, actually I’m sorry but I’ve got plans for this afternoon”.
In conclusion, you need to set the boundaries in relationships (they will be different for each one) and watch out for those boundary pushers and maybe walk away from them if they’re not open to a change in the dynamics of your relationship.
Don’t always cancel appointments with yourself if someone else asks you to do something, you are as important as them (probably more important). That’s not being selfish that’s selfcare and it means that when you choose to say Yes you do so willingly and without exhausting yourself. Finally, please don’t worry that people won’t like you any more if you put boundaries in place. If they do that’s because you were just useful to them and for those that don’t, they will like the new, more relaxed you.